# 18: “you didn’t hear this from me, but…”

women, gossip, and everything in between.

pinterest.

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Let's talk about gossip, shall we?

Yeah, yeah we all do it. We all gossip. From the definition of gossip, which is "talking about people who aren't there", we all engage in one form or another of gossip. But what comes to mind when one says the word “gossip”, apart from the implications that one is maliciously spreading rumours about another?

Women.

When we hear “gossip”,  an image strikes up in our mind. We immediately think of a group of girls whispering and snickering in a corner or a group of middle-aged aunties talking about so-and-so’s daughter who hasn’t gotten married yet. When we hear gossip, we immediately think of women.

That is by design. Let me explain. To understand why the word and activity of “gossip” is ascertained to women we have to understand the origins of the word gossip itself.

“Gossip” is a word derived from an Old English phrase “god-sib”.  In Old English, a “god-sib” was a person who was the godparent of a child. It evolved to mean women who attended to a mother before, during, and after a birth. In order to soothe the labouring woman, these women would chat endlessly about anything and everything.  As the birthing process could be long, these women would spend hours in conversation “gossiping”. These idle conversations were a strong bonding experience for women in the community, alongside going to the well to draw water with their friends, meeting at the marketplace, and other domestic activities. 

According to scholars, gossip only began to have a negative connotation in the 16th century. It began to be perceived by men as “idle, useless chatter” and even a sign of witchcraft.  Soon enough women started to get into trouble for talking too much. Maybe this was because women started to form strong communities outside their domicile, spread information to protect each other, and spend hours chatting with their friends instead of doing domestic work. Widows, older women, nagging wives, and stubborn women often found themselves in a scold’s bridle, a humiliating public punishment consisting of a muzzle worn over the head to prevent speech.  Thus, women’s conversation evolved to be referred to as gossip. The negative connotation stuck. 

With the way I “cho cho cho”, I would have been a victim of this for sure.

Now you know why the word gossip evokes femininity. But, here is the thing. Not only women gossip. Men gossip and men gossip a lot. Men and women gossip equally, studies have shown. Gossip has always been and will always be a thing. In the study of human history, scholars have found that talking about people who aren’t present has been an integral part of human relationships. It was how humans found and managed friendships,  a way to pass on socially useful information.

Talking about someone when they aren’t present does not always have malicious and malevolent intent, but even men and boys engage in malicious backbiting about their peers. Unfortunately, because of the negative connotation attached to the word gossip, we tend to think that it only involves maliciousness.  I think there is a stark difference between benign gossip and backbiting. Talking maliciously and aggressively about someone as a form of bullying and reputation damage is a bad thing. However, it is not only women that engage in that kind of behaviour. Men do too. Men can be the messiest, sassiest, most salacious bitches you know. The capacity to be mean is a human characteristic, a result of our Adamic nature ( I believe this as a Christian). I am not here to defend malicious gossip and backbiting.

I would argue that in some cases,  “gossip” saves. For women, gossip can be a tool for self-preservation and sympathy, a way to exchange thoughts and ideas. You tell your girlfriends about that boy that showed you shege. They coo sympathetically and tell you “ last last everybody go chop breakfast”. They warn you against your ex or anyone that they see who doesn’t have your interests at heart. You tell your girls about the weird gatekeeper who was making crude jokes at you or the man who was following you around the supermarket. You show them a picture and a video so they too can stay safe. They deride him and make a mental note to be wary of him. Your girls tell you: “Have you heard that this person did this?”. They warn you of dangerous roads and dangerous people. You have just been saved by gossip. Women have gotten help from other women in times of crisis because of  “gossip”. 

Words matter. Our reaction and understanding of words matter. When we call men in groups talking frivolously  “networking”, “ meeting” or even “ hanging out”  and we in the same vein call women in groups talking “gossip” and “ idle chatter”,  we imply that women do not have things of import to say. Now. this is not to say that women always have serious conversations. We don’t. All of us don’t, both men and women. It is okay to talk about unserious things sometimes. I am trying to say that it is okay. It is okay to have unserious chats. It is human. I just want us to decolonize our minds from vilifying female chatter.

Chatter is a human characteristic.

books, articles, movies and podcasts that i listened to or read during the week and deem worthy of sharing.

books:

This month, I have made a promise to myself to read slowly or not read at all. I want to savour reading, and not rush through it just because I have a reading goal. I am currently re-reading Thief of Corinth by Tessa Afshar and I am loving it! It’s been years since I read it first so it feels like the first time.

visual:

Mina Le’s video essay on “booktok and thehotgirlification of reading” was very insightful.

podcast:

This With the Perrys episode on Cults and the Neo-prosperity Gospel was fire! Pastor Eric Mason is a well of wisdom. At the end of the podcast, he said he wants us (Christians) to become Jesus geeks and Jesus nerds again and I resonated with that. We really have to up our ecclesiology. 

music: 

This week I am sharing my dear friend Krystle’s extensive playlist! I am really enjoying this segment because it exposes me (and you all) to such great music.

articles:

In the spirit of gossip, I would like to share this really well-written essay by Dzifianu Afi called In Defence of the Council of Elders: Isolation will be the death of us all. In it, she talks about how important it is as women to talk about our romantic relationships with our friends, and how it can save us from unsavoury situations. Read it!

I also thoroughly enjoyed reading Tracee Ellis Ross talk about the things that make her happy. She sounds so confident and comfortable in her skin, a truly self-actualized woman.

Hey there! If you are reading this, I love you. Thank you for reading and supporting my work. If you liked this essay, don't forget to leave a like and a comment. 

As per a big babe in business, my friend Krystle has started a really cool online store. She sells designer sunglasses and beauty items like lip oils and lip glosses. Please follow her on Instagram and if you are in Ghana, please, we beg you, BUY FROM US.

One last thing. On the fourth Sunday of March Krystle and I’s advice column would be coming back. Please ask us about anything — advice, recommendations, the whole shebang. Thank you and love you. See you next Sunday!