dreams never end, but this one is taking a long pause.
over the past few months, i have been slowly losing myself, sinking deeper and deeper into despair because of this publication. i’m so used to my sadness that it’s now become a companion, a dull throb of pain in my chest. how did i get here? how did the greatest creative risk i had ever taken become a reflection of what i believe are my shortcomings as a person?
my anxiety has tripled, my fears have quadrupled. the pure joy i used to derive from writing and posting on the internet has dried up completely.
i have tied my identity to this publication. two years ago, i decided on a whim to take my love for writing somewhat seriously and start publishing on the internet. it was and still is the best thing i have ever done. it taught me so much about myself, made me braver, opened me to new worlds. i made new friends, met new people, and later this month, i will be hosting my first literary event in the gambia. all because of this publication. so to say i love it is an understatement. sunday afternoons is one of the best things i have done.
it is time to close the curtain. for now. after posting yesterday’s essay i realised i do not want to carry on. i do not want to keep posting essays half of my audience won’t even see, because for some reason the substack algorithm won’t show them. there’s only so much a girl can take. if you scream into the void for too long you will lose your voice. i know they say we shouldn’t care about the numbers and engagement, but i do! and we all do. how else are we to measure our success? the lack of growth has been getting to me. it’s getting to a point where it is unhealthy for me to carry on. i don’t want to fall out of love with writing because of a social media platform. so before that happens, i will put an end to this madness myself. i’m taking a six month break from writing on the internet. i don’t want to be rash and delete this publication altogether, so i will leave it right here, untouched.
thank you for doing this with me. i couldn’t even start to list the names of the people who have supported me throughout this journey ( we’d be here forever). i am very grateful. i will be fine. we will all be fine. for now my loves, goodbye.
I always look forward to your essays. I'm always glad to read them. I know I cannot compel you to stay, and I understand that sometimes the best thing to do is take a break. I'm still rooting for you. You will be missed, and when you're back, my arms will be wide open, ready to embrace all that you are.
Thank you for pouring yourself into this newsletter over the past 2 years. It really became something I always look forward to.
Take as much time as you want. Have fun while you're at it.